So i realised the opening for Lufthansa's IAP closed just when I was going to apply...

It seems that my dream toward Germany is getting further and further to the extent that it seems impossible. Maybe I'm just fated to be a loser, willowing in self-pity and swimming in my own regrets.

Inertia probably got the hold on me...

Or perhaps it's lack of motivation or incentive.

Ich habe keine Ahnung. Approximately 3 more days to making a decision.

Eat a few months of grass and perhaps things might be better?

Na ja...

Got my first rejection letter from P&G. Oh well. Somehow I think I might not get into Wunderman too, recalling how my initial resume sucks so much and all my achievements are like those light hitting dust particles in comparison to those sparkling stars high up in the sky.... Still, deep down, I still hope I will get it. It's easy to have faith, when all is good... The challenge is to keep on believing, in times like this. But what if I believe, but it turned out otherwise? Ja, I know there's no use worrying about tomorrow, but just like emotions of the heart, can one stop it? One can probably distract oneself from it, but in the quiet recesses of the night, these suppressed images and thoughts, together with those regrets, scream louder than one's brain can contain.

Singapore is filled with haze, just like in the movies like The Day After Tomorrow or Independence Day... Just like how the Earth is, before it is destroyed... The haze blurred the surrounding, the blue sky and greenery fade out of sight.

I experience the haze within and without.

The air will clear someday, but... will the haze within be?

"Jealousy... is...

the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on". Seeing people having MBA, dream jobs, exploring the world just make me so green with envy. It's easy to say to explore the world, live and travel while you're young if you can. For example, having money, studying engineering and doing an internship because they are in high demand, or simply having a german other half. But I have neither. Even if I want to execute something, can I? These lofty dreams and desires are laying dormant in my head, struggling to become reality... I don't know if they are going to be dormant forever... or for how long.

Sent that application, and sent a few more...

Preparing to send to another one, which I would labeled as one of my dream company in a dream location. 

Got a call to go down for a PR job on Monday. Not sure if that's what I really want though, couldn't picture myself in there. An unknown plunge of laziness just sinked down on me. Perhaps if you want something enough, you will be motivated and go forward to get it. Perhaps it's not something I want? Or perhaps it's something I want because society wants me to? To get a job and be productive. Wary of the company too because there are just too many multi-level marketing and like jobs advertising under PR and Marketing categories in the job searching website. Not what I want to do, definitely; and I don't want to go down for the interview and having it turned out to be that. Location is far too, takes around one hour. Maybe I am just a lazy ass.

I'm not sure if I should just sit and wait for that dream job/those dream jobs to reply to me while doing nothing, or should I continue to send applications to companies that are hiring and doing things that I think I may be interested. If the latter, I might have a job if, touch wood, dream jobs don't see me as part of their dreams. Basically the mentality of settling for second best because you can't have the best; just like many people in relationships, which is kind of sad, aren't it? 

Thinking of doing post-graduate studies. Thinking of an MBA. Or perhaps a second bachelor in Engineering field. I'm thinking about industrial engineering and management, partly because I like designing and think that being able to construct and design is wonderful. I don't know yet, perhaps wait till I have got more cash. 

Till now, I keep my fingers crossed, for the dream job in the dream country. Being hopeful, till I might have to wake up and face the painful truth. Or perhaps, till a pretty fairy casts some magical sawdust on me and turns me into that lucky person to receive the job. And bring me to that magical land with the fairy tale castle.

Till then, let me dream a little... till then. 

I feel I'm really a perfectionist because I like the chance to restart

and do things all over again so I could, or so I thought, make things more perfect or better. It has been with me since young. I used to rewrite my homework over and over again just so I could have the beautiful handwriting of mine printed on the paper when I was in high school. I used to read text over and over again, when I read them half-way and realised that the way I was reading them weren't perfect, I would start reading right from the start. During university where I'd to write tons of essays, I will delete everything off the document and rewrite all over again, that includes my FYP. I think that's why I'm slow.

At times, I have also the urge to delete away this blog, start a new one with a new URL and blog about more beautiful things, just to, maybe... make it more perfect.

But for now, I thought I should keep it. I like the URL, it has been with me for a while.... keeping it, for old time's sake.... for now.... maybe.

Finally, I am near to completing my application

for Zacademy and sending it out after so long. Just have to do a collection of my work samples. Hopefully I can finish by this week, which is tomorrow. Hopefully they want me though; just wanna work in a different country such as the US or Europe.

So, I have slowly come to accept that I'll probably never, ever see or befriend Sebastian again. Was reminded of him again when at the end of a show that I was watching on TV, a brand named called "Sebastian" appeared at the bottom of the screen. Among all the other brands that appeared alongside it, it was the only one that I really noticed although it was at a corner and not the center. 

Well, when one door closes, another opens, they said. Recently, I started to doodle little comics of my encounters with Sebastian on the few pieces of receipts that were piling up quicker than cash in my wallet. I'm having some trouble translating what's in my head into ink on paper. He looks different in every drawings. Perhaps I don't have the flair for drawing, despite my passion for it. At one point I ran out of patience when I was drawing the scenes of our first time talking. Partly because I'm just repeating the same drawing and just changing the dialogues. Yes, I remembered every exchanges we made, every word, because we didn't really talked much. 

On another hand, a company wanted to have a phone interview with me. I don't know if I want the job; I applied it partly because it has a company in Stuttgart and I just want to work in Germany; Netherlands is fine too right now. Let's see how the interview goes.

My bff from my summer university will be visiting another friend from the summer university in a few weeks since they are both in US. Wish I could join them too. Hope that I could see them again.

My face has been switching between being extremely oily and extremely dry recently. A few acnes have recently join the others to reside on my face. My hair has become brittle and hard to manage. Same as my acnes, it is either extremely oily at the end of the day and extremely dry after I washed it. To wash or not to wash, that is a problem. I think I'm just rotting day after day...

Okay, back to collating my work samples and hopefully something nice comes out of it.

Goodbye, Sebastian...

With a heavy heart and a bag full of regrets, I will type this last post about Sebastian. Well, even if I find him on Facebook, so what? I guess it's not about adding an extra friend to your friend list but the quality time spent together that is really important. Failing to find him on Facebook, it makes me wonder if I made him up myself... he, who is someone I created and therefore so perfect. He who is always there with empty seats at the table. His beautiful grey shoes and his wonderful smile. His voice when he says he's from "Amsterdam" and he is here for "exchange". He's like a dream, a phantom, that is so surreal that I don't know if he's real anymore. When I first met him, I thought I would have all the time in the world to know him because it was only the start of the semester. As time went by, I met him again having the same mentality. And I met him near to the last week of school and I took this chance for granted. If only I spent like 30 seconds to ask if he would like to go for coffee together someday, we might have become friends... He will be someone I'll always remember, though I may forget how he really looks like someday, I will always remember Sebastian, the guy from Amsterdam who has really nice shoes and smile. I hope I get to see him again, someday, somehow.

Goodbye, Sebastian...

Damn mosquitoes

biting me here and there.
 Why am I always the victim,
the one who ends up with the most mosquitoes bites?
Is it that my blood is more delicious,
to these little creatures,
or what? Je ne sais pas.

A tree that I saw outside my window

just grew out leaves the other day.
Full of green leaves.
Today, a few days later,
red leaves appeared on it.
A sign of imminent withering
or possible bloom?

When is Tomorrow?

As the feet of Graduation approaches, the calmness in my heart is disrupted. In less than 6 months, I will receive an Honours degree and be termed a "Graduate". Sounds impressive? Yet, beneath this glamourous term hides a sense of anxiety, uncertainty, and financial incapability that relates to the 5 Ws and 1 H (Who, what, where, when, why, how).

I have no resolution for Year 2013. I just don't want to make any because I fear that I will not achieve them and end up feeling demoralised about it. I know pretty well, perhaps, what I want in this life and what I want now. I want to become a director and film-script writer someday. I want to go to Germany and I hope I get an internship for this semester.

For now, I just hope the internships give me positive results. Fighting against time is just not funny.

But oh, why worry about tomorrow when you have today? Live for the moment.

Oh please, stop making it sounds as if it's all my fault and centering the world around you. It seriously sucks.

If I Have An Aladdin's Lamp

If I have an Aladdin's Lamp,

I will wish that you all will move out.

Despite feeling hopeful that you all will,

Alas, move out after 6 months,

The doubt of this being merely high hopes,

Haunts me, day and night.

Seeing at the stuff that you all are moving in,

Obviously you guys have no wish to shift.

It's like saying you wanna get a house,

When property prices decrease.

But please, use your roasted brains to think,

Will it ever go down?

Scarcity of land and increasing population,

Demand will rise rise rise,

So will price price price.

Perhaps, people like you, 

Who steps on the wheel of progress,

Deprived of basic human feelings,

Selfish, Disgusting, worth every bit of Abhorrence,

Will fall fall fall. Fall in Dignity, fall in Humanity.

Of course, I wouldn't want you to fall

In your career, for that will just give you

The reason, for thee and thy rubbish to remain here

Longer.

I just want you all to get lost lost lost.

Fuck is the direction,

That I want you all to go off to to to.

You've no idea how much I hate you,

Since many years ago. 

In my head, I have stab you over and over again.

What a University/College Student needs to know

Look what I found, A THESIS GENERATOR!!!

http://corptrain.phoenix.edu/thesis_generator/thesis_generator.html

The Thesis Generator helps you to come up with a thesis statement for an essay. It is very easy to use: simply answer a few questions about your essay ideas and the generator will come up with three possible thesis statements.

While the generated thesis statements may not be perfect in terms of sentence structure or grammar, it is nevertheless a wonderful tool, especially for university/college students who have to write argumentative essays for their coursework most of the time.

Writing is not an easy process, but starting to write is even harder. Your ideas may be all over the place; if they're not, you might also find it hard to start or probably overwhelmed by the blankness of the blank screen on your word processor. At least the thesis statements generated by this thesis generator can act as a head start for you to start writing your essay and develop your ideas.

Wonderful tool! Thanks to the inventor!!!

Oh, and what's more wonderful about it is that IT'S FREE!!! :D :D :D :D :D