Na ja...

Got my first rejection letter from P&G. Oh well. Somehow I think I might not get into Wunderman too, recalling how my initial resume sucks so much and all my achievements are like those light hitting dust particles in comparison to those sparkling stars high up in the sky.... Still, deep down, I still hope I will get it. It's easy to have faith, when all is good... The challenge is to keep on believing, in times like this. But what if I believe, but it turned out otherwise? Ja, I know there's no use worrying about tomorrow, but just like emotions of the heart, can one stop it? One can probably distract oneself from it, but in the quiet recesses of the night, these suppressed images and thoughts, together with those regrets, scream louder than one's brain can contain.

Singapore is filled with haze, just like in the movies like The Day After Tomorrow or Independence Day... Just like how the Earth is, before it is destroyed... The haze blurred the surrounding, the blue sky and greenery fade out of sight.

I experience the haze within and without.

The air will clear someday, but... will the haze within be?

"Jealousy... is...

the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on". Seeing people having MBA, dream jobs, exploring the world just make me so green with envy. It's easy to say to explore the world, live and travel while you're young if you can. For example, having money, studying engineering and doing an internship because they are in high demand, or simply having a german other half. But I have neither. Even if I want to execute something, can I? These lofty dreams and desires are laying dormant in my head, struggling to become reality... I don't know if they are going to be dormant forever... or for how long.

When I read about other people's achievements,

especially those who managed to get into Harvard MBA, it makes me feel that all my achievements and skills are merely speck of dandruff on a shoulder. Aren't trying to belittle myself but sometimes, I just have to wake up and face the truth. In comparison to those people who have sold their businesses for over millions of dollars, established organisations and invented new technologies as undergraduates, I begin to feel like that little star that is slowly losing it twinkle and dying out...

Edit: I'm not sure if it's coincidence or fate... I'd tumblr opened in another window and after typing this blog entry, I went to tumblr and saw this post: http://spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com/post/45490510784/let-us-run-with-endurance-the-race-that-is-set

Still writing those cover letters...

Somehow I wish Wunderman or Commerzbank could get back to me, soon, if they even want to. So that these cover letters writing could stop, maybe for a while... It's worse than writing those academic essays...

Have been deleting some friends off Facebook...

Friends that were my classmates. Too much pessimism and every time I checked Facebook, it was usually their pessimistic soliloquy status. Sometimes you don't see yourself losing much deleting a friend because you guys didn't keep in touch. It seems as if the friends are there to make up the number.

A little tired of writing cover letters

because I don't really know what people are looking for in cover letters. I could search for "how to write a good cover letter" and such online and they could tell me the criteria... but I wonder if employers care about the format? I always believe when you put your heart and mind into writing something, that will do the job. But sometimes, it seems there's a certain format, certain "correct" way of writing" that employers may be looking for that can lend you a job.

Sometimes I don't think I set my priorities right. I should focus my energies on applications for the jobs I want and companies I want to work at, rather than aimlessly sending out applications to any job openings.

I wish I get the job in Munich. And now, it is okay for me if I get the job in Sweden. But first, gonna finish up my application. Get on with writing my cover letter. sigh.

Today I was watching an episode of Running Man...

... In this episode, the challenge for the two teams was to get autographs from allocated Korean writers. 

Ha-ha read a phrase from one of the writers' book, it goes something like: when you look at a mountain from the East, it is a mountain at the West. When you look at a mountain from the West, it is a mountain at the East. But when you look at a mountain from afar, it is just another mountain.

Pretty meaningful quote. A pity that I forgot who the writer is. Tried google-ing it on google but to no avail. Guess because it's translated and I have a better chance of finding it if I know what it is and can type it in Korean. 

And I'm impressed that Jae-Suk managed to answer what is Gulliver's occupation in Gulliver's Travels. To think I actually did one of my academic essays on Gulliver's Travels and I didn't know what his occupation was!

Lying awake on my bed for hours last night,

I thought about the chocolate croissants that I had in Europe last summer. I thought of what life would be, if I could work and live in Germany. Moving into a little space, for the little me. Making friends with the neighbours and saying "Guten Tag!" every time we meet. Stocking up my own groceries. Cooking my own meals. Inviting friends or neighbours over for cooking sessions, parties, or simply just to get together. Feeling like a fashionista everyday when I step out of the house with layered clothes and boots. Watching soccer with the fun people. Going to the Oktoberfest or the many other parties that the Germans have just to have a chance to have fun. I thought and imagined and wished they were real, or that they could somehow be real.

I wish upon the stars, that I could work and live in Germany soon. May good news come in a fortnight, with blessings from the moon.

Sent that application, and sent a few more...

Preparing to send to another one, which I would labeled as one of my dream company in a dream location. 

Got a call to go down for a PR job on Monday. Not sure if that's what I really want though, couldn't picture myself in there. An unknown plunge of laziness just sinked down on me. Perhaps if you want something enough, you will be motivated and go forward to get it. Perhaps it's not something I want? Or perhaps it's something I want because society wants me to? To get a job and be productive. Wary of the company too because there are just too many multi-level marketing and like jobs advertising under PR and Marketing categories in the job searching website. Not what I want to do, definitely; and I don't want to go down for the interview and having it turned out to be that. Location is far too, takes around one hour. Maybe I am just a lazy ass.

I'm not sure if I should just sit and wait for that dream job/those dream jobs to reply to me while doing nothing, or should I continue to send applications to companies that are hiring and doing things that I think I may be interested. If the latter, I might have a job if, touch wood, dream jobs don't see me as part of their dreams. Basically the mentality of settling for second best because you can't have the best; just like many people in relationships, which is kind of sad, aren't it? 

Thinking of doing post-graduate studies. Thinking of an MBA. Or perhaps a second bachelor in Engineering field. I'm thinking about industrial engineering and management, partly because I like designing and think that being able to construct and design is wonderful. I don't know yet, perhaps wait till I have got more cash. 

Till now, I keep my fingers crossed, for the dream job in the dream country. Being hopeful, till I might have to wake up and face the painful truth. Or perhaps, till a pretty fairy casts some magical sawdust on me and turns me into that lucky person to receive the job. And bring me to that magical land with the fairy tale castle.

Till then, let me dream a little... till then.